Staying Connected to Your Partner in the time of COVID-19

 Welcome to our first Love Deep Tantalizing Tuesday Monthly Newsletter! Each month we will highlight a different topic and dive in to it a bit. We figured we would start with the massive “elephant in the room” that is coronavirus. This pandemic has impacted nearly every aspect of our lives and its impact on intimacy and sexuality is a whopping one. So just like my approach to most things related to intimacy, let’s talk about it and bring it out of the shadows and in to the light where even this virus can help you find more joy and sensuality in your life.

         Since we are all spending so much more time with our partner, if we are indeed partnered, you might be perplexed to hear your partner say something along the lines of, “Babe, can we have a date night?” or “I wish we would connect more”.  You might be wondering how this partner of yours can make such a wild request when you would literally have to create more than 24 hours in a day to actually spend more time together!!  But if you soften your heart just a touch and get curious, what your partner is likely saying is that she/he wants to spend more QUALITY time together. And without the times of separateness that we typically have pre-corona, creating quality time over all the time is even more important. He/she wants to connect more deeply with you since so many of our day to day conversations are surface level and INTIMACY is found in depth.

Intimacy: IN-TO-ME-SEE
In intimacy, we allow our partners to really see us and we have the honor to really see them. This is what your partner is asking for and this is one key ingredient that leads to phenomenal sex. To have truly mind-bending ‘full-hearted’ sex and full-body orgasms there almost always is deep connection, safety, and intimacy with your lover.

There are many types of intimacy you can practice with your partner.  I feel as if there are at least 8 types of intimacy and you can practice connection with your partner in one or many of these areas. Ideally you can find a way to connect with him/her in each of these ways. I lovingly challenge you to try 🙂

Types of Relational Intimacy:
– Physical
– Emotional
– Spiritual
– Intellectual
– Experiential
– Conflict
– Creative
–  Sexual

When spending so much time together and the higher collective stress from this virus and its many impacts, I love  to encourage couples to focus on two concepts from the relational mindfulness world of joyful responsibility and turn towards and not away from your partner during stress/conflict/trigger.

How inextricably linked we are and this virus is showing us that in spades! It is undeniable and it is most potent in partnership. My evolution and awareness spurns yours. And yours spurns mine. That is just how it works in coupleship…. ideally.  

The Kinsey institute at IU studies human sexuality and relationships is conducting a study on this pandemic. Preliminary research seems to show movement on both ends of the spectrum… some people are more horny and sex-oriented (masturbation, sex, porn) and some are less. They are also showing a more significant increase on the “less end”.  So if this virus has you stressed and your sex drive and feeling of sexiness in the dumps…. fret not… YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

Here are some tips to help couples stay connected in this time and stay connected to your sexuality and sensuality as a source of vibrancy and aliveness:

1) Communicate MORE

Studies show more communication = higher sexual satisfaction.More affection = eases impact of stressWith more togetherness you need MORE communication not lessSome good questions to dive in to with your partner might be…. – What do you need from your partner emotionally and physically now since you are not getting it from other people right now?
– How can you support one another in this wild time of COVID-19?

2) Make TIME for Intimacy

Creating special sacred time is different than just spending time. Couples that make intentional time together at least once per week are almost 4 x more likely to rate themselves as very happy. You can retreat emotionally even when spending 24 hours a day together… date nights break this pattern.
3) Have SEX to manage stress… or at least be open to the possibility 🙂

Being in a good mood the day after sex is proven (thank you endorphins!!)Physical touch lowers anxiety and stress. Stress is the factor that most disturbs sexual desire and this is a high stress time (one of the most in our lifetimes) so have grace for yourself and your partner. Sexual desire needs room to breathe so take some time on your own. How do you cultivate a Sense of self even in complete togetherness? You can do so but need to do so intentionally.           
4) Use this time to explore and expand sensually or sexually – why not…. you have more time 🙂

massage, poetry, create a date night and take turns planning ittry a new position or a new type of foreplaytry a new toy if you are open to that… maybe pick it out togethernovelty is the spice of life so create some in your partnership 🙂
5) Pick a new non-sexual activity to do together …. again… we have the gift of more time together….

cook a new mealread a book togetherplay cardsgo for evening walk

This ‘corona time’ really is a gift to create the sort of intimacy you want to have in your partnership. And like I always say, what makes relationships MOST INTERESTING is how we relate to one another when things are challenging or stressful and this sure can be one of those times for all of us. I wish you and your partner deep love and connection during this wild unprecedented time. Have grace with yourself and your partner as you navigate because this is NEW SPACE for us all. I hope this newsletter inspires you to be intentional about creating that together.

Deep love and honoring… always,